Video
At a Loss for Words: How To Help Those You Care for in a Miscarriage,
Stillbirth, or Newborn Death Experience (1997)
33minutes. From Paraclete Press (P.O. Box 1568, Orleans, MA 02653, Tel.: (508-255-4685). $79.95.Video
Footprints on Our Hearts:
How To Cope After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Newborn Death (1997)
60 min. From Paraclete Press (P.O. Box 1568, Orleans, MA 02653, Tel.: 508 255-4685.)Reviewed by Phyllis H. Klaus, MFCC, CSW*
Berkeley, California
These two videotapes address the needs and feelings of parents after the death of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or a newborn death. The parents who have suffered these losses are interviewed at a time when they have sufficient distance from the loss so that they can tell about their experience, express their feelings, and yet have some thoughtful perspective on what the loss means to them.The films flow seamlessly through the stages, emotions, and experience of grieving, allowing the voices of the mothers and fathers to tell their story, along with thoughtful and insightful comments from four well-known bereavement specialists who have also experienced grief firsthand. They include Sherokee Ilse, author and counselor, Cathi Lammert, RN, Director of SHARE, Cynthia Fritz, bereavement counselor, and Tim Nelson, father and speaker.
Footprints on Our Hearts was designed for bereaved parents to view. The parents speak about their reactions to the loss, how they coped, what helped them, and what suggestions they would give to other parents. An in-depth look provides help during this grief-filled period. The importance of saying goodbye, having ways to remember, and helping siblings and other close family is compassionately addressed. The video portrays the enduring quality of the loss, the meaning in parents' lives, and offers hope for healing and resolution with special importance for sharing and communication.
The shorter video, At a Loss for Words, uses the same parents, but the emphasis is to present to family, friends, medical caregivers, counselors, and clergy several important ways to help bereaved parents immediately after the loss and in the days and weeks that follow. So often family and caregivers feel inadequate in the face of this searing loss and question themselves on the right or best way to help the parents. Sensitive and useful suggestions are given, such as what to say, what not to say, what to offer, and in the case of close family and friends, how to cope with their own grief in relation to the loss.
Footprints on Our Hearts is divided into sections. The same parents speak in each section, which allows the listener to view how parents with different backgrounds and life experiences work through the grieving process. The video emphasizes how initial reactions to the loss can be overwhelming-"everything goes dark, everything goes numb" and "an agony inside that seems it will last forever"-but how important it is to feel one's feelings. Acknowledging the reality of the loss means acknowledging the reality of the baby's life before one can say goodbye. It is important to see, touch, and hold the infant, if possible. One mother described that she was so numbed and distraught that she was afraid even to see her baby and holds that deep regret in her heart, whereas another mother was not only able to hold the baby, but has other keepsakes to help hold the memory of her baby close. The first mother had to learn to "forgive" herself. Having time and contact with the lost baby gives the parents the opportunity to say goodbye. This is the only time they can physically express their love to the infant.
These parents give many meaningful suggestions for keepsakes, including sonograms or pictures, a lock of hair, even writing one's feelings in a journal that a parent can go back to and reflect on later. Acknowledging the pregnancy and even a small fetus in this way can be extremely meaningful. The parents describe that it is important to name the baby and to realize there is no time limit to give a name. They may need permission and encouragement to find ways to remember the baby. These parents talk about the significance of ritual or ceremony to help open communication about the loss and to share their sadness with other loved ones. However, it is helpful to give oneself a few days to get oneself together before making such plans. Each next step causes parents to face the next stage of grief. The postpartum period and coming home without the baby contain another whole level of emotional and physical adjustment to work through. Hearing fathers describe their feelings and experiences gives insight into the differences between men and women, and how important it is to talk with each other. Thoughtful attention is given to the need for siblings and grandparents to share in the mourning, and helpful methods are suggested to encourage this step.
The video follows the mourning process through coping with the return to "normal" life, being with people, work, and how to handle significant events. The parents talk about where support people and groups fit in. Being with these families can give some help and hope to other parents, "and even though it is hard to believe you can ever feel better, it helps to know that you may be able to get through this."
If only one video could be purchased, I recommend the longer Footprints on Our Hearts. The shorter At a Loss for Words emphasizes the importance for caregivers and family to be available, to be willing to listen. The messages emerge clearly from the bereaved parents, not by advising or admonishing, but by telling the viewer what kind of support and words truly helped them, such as simply saying, "I'm sorry," or a friend calling from out of town and saying, "I just want you to talk. Tell me everything." The parents tell how painful it is to hear, "It all happened for the best," which means to parents that one minimizes or "ignores the existence of the life of my baby."
These videos remind the viewer how deep the loss is for parents, no matter whether the infant was full term or just a few weeks old as a fetus. Both can be helpful as teaching tools for caregivers. The parent video, Footprints on Our Hearts, should be available in every obstetric, newborn, or neonatal intensive care unit, or for parent groups to be viewed and discussed with a social worker or bereavement counselor. The video, At a Loss for Words, would be useful for adult family members and caregivers. Although the audience is different for each video, the important messages can be obtained from either one. The time could have been reduced to 45 minutes for Footprints on Our Hearts to make it easier to use in a group setting. I would recommend having at least a two-hour group session when viewing the video to leave ample time for sharing and discussion, or dividing the film into two sections.
Both videos are packaged with the same booklet that provides suggestions for the bereaved parents and for all others concerned, as well as listing useful resources. Since 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, 7 in 1000 pregnancies end in stillbirth, and 5 in 1000 babies die in the first six months of life, the need for compassionate and realistic support and understanding is large. The videos do not indicate how other counseling methods could help parents find some relief from the pain they carry, although one woman mentioned that talking with a psychotherapist helped.
*Editor's Note: This review first appeared in BIRTH, 25 (3), September 1998 and is reprinted with permission.
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